The Darwin Symphony Orchestra and Chorus

Dr. Neville Thomas Jones, Ph.D.

Based upon the observation that successful operas are nothing more than a mixture of nonsense, idolatry and monkey business, it seems that the idea of organic evolution could at last produce something worthy of intellectual consideration: a sort of punctuated operatic equilibrium. Let's see what it might come up with.

The orchestra can be formed, of course, entirely of gorillas, gibbons, orang-utans and other "closely-related primates," all of which could be said to make excellent musicians were it not for the beastly-inconvenient fact that they are incapable of playing anything.

Lead and chorus singers could be chimpanzees, which the audience would immediately warm to because of their common DNA connections. In fact the only difference between the punters and a chimpanzee is that a chimp does not have a larynx and hence couldn't actually sing, even if it were able to read the score, but bouncers would be on hand to eject any customer making derogatory remarks about our vocally-challenged cousins.

Osama bin Laden can play the missing link in absentia, since neither of them can be found anyway and the claims made about both of them can easily be shown to be fraudulent. As for the role of conductor, that must go to Tony Bliar since in this particular instance it will not matter how much his ignorance and dishonesty mangles and contorts the original manuscript. And besides, under his leadership, notes can be murdered just as well as people.

Now for the main plot. All the animals are left to their own devices, whilst any humans present put on blindfolds, insert earplugs, and bow down in their idolatrous worship of a statue of Charles Darwin, which has been placed centre stage. The statue would have been made in China of the finest concrete and shipped to Britain for half the cost and half the time that a British manufacturing company would require, even supposing that such a rarity as a British manufacturing company could still be located amongst all of the 'service' industries selling debt and insurance policies.

Steady on there. Show some respect, you chaps.

Courtesy mints would need to be provided to avert the sickness induced by the whole auditorium spinning about the World's axis at up to 1,039 mph whilst simultaneously hurtling around the Sun at 67,000 mph (a mere 25 times the speed of a rifle bullet), around the centre of the Milky Way at half a million miles per hour, and out from the 'Big Bang' at God knows what speed. For some performances, seat belts should be worn at all times to prevent the Moon's gravitational pull from lifting everyone out of their seats (in this respect the Moon would be more effective than the cast).

People could write letters of acclaim to the local newspaper, stating that these things are really all true and that the God-denying opera was a factual, rather than fictitious, work. Anyone who contradicted these unfounded beliefs would simply be branded an idiot and personally attacked by a band of professors who not only have no basic scientific understanding, but also have nothing to substantiate the basis of their cosseted lifestyles.

Dissenters could be marked down for transportation to the Gulag, whilst 'normal' people settle down to their life of subservience to the god of this earth, including compulsory weekly trips to Holohoax museums and the opera.

However, erecting and worshiping statues of Charles Darwin all over the place will not save the idea of organic evolution and its associated idolatrous images from ending up where they so rightly belong ...